Great Expectations

Written about two years ago:

Several years ago, I ate less and soon developed anorexia because I wanted to get rid of my (in my opinion) broad shoulders. In retrospect, I know that this is impossible, primarily because shoulders are made of bones, which was something that was beyond my comprehension at the time. But somehow, along with this, I also wanted my whole body to be thin. It might also have been a competition, a contest to get the most attention. And I did get it. However, I didn't want negative attention, especially not from people who I looked up to... 

I remember one day in 8th grade I was walking along a path at my school (a K-12th grade), and some seniors walked by and discussed my extremely thin body at the time (I can't look at pictures from back then). They asked me questions about whether I had an eating disorder, and I just ignored them, pretending that I didn't hear them. I don't remember exactly, but I think their comments really made me wonder what I was doing. Realizing (although I am not quite sure if it was those two seniors that triggered this) what my past year and a half had been like - storing food in my closet for the time when I would really allow myself to eat (especially candy), lying to my parents about what I had eaten at school that day, fainting in class - I decided that now was the time for me to eat again. I ate compulsively, obsessively and ate more than anyone else. Gaining weight and positive comments from my friends helped me understand that life was more than just being thin. Yet, in retrospect I developed another unhealthy food habit.

You may never get cured, but you have periods of times when you are "fine", when you're not thinking of that extra quarter of an inch an extra piece of bread will add to your stomach. Your competitive and perfectionist nature still sticks with you, and in moments of feeling that you're not in control of your life, it may come back to you. You may feel that people expect you to stay thin, yet at the same time eat the right amount of food. You may feel that people, maybe even parents, expect you to be healthy and not be either too thin or too fat. But what is too thin and what is too fat? For most people there is no range of thinness that is "okay". There is a border and it is the "flat" stomach that you want to maintain. There is no range.
Some say it's about control, perfection, pressure, etc. They also feel that it's the need to be "thin". What is thin? It's a subjective concept to each and every individual, but most people would agree that if they were too look at a "too thin" person's picture, they'd all agree it was unhealthy to be that way. For me, being "thin" is not the aim anymore. It used to be the consequence of my former goal: to stay in proportion to my body build. This meant that thin line between a stomach that is curved in and curved out. It doesn't make sense to me anymore: you can't look the same every day. You fluctuate. Because of these expectations, I expected myself to stay the right possible size, yet at the same time not starving myself. Sometimes I am sick of eating more food than people around me just because I feel the need to - I eat compulsively and sometimes I wish I didn't.

One millimeter too thin is unacceptable for people around you. They care. One millimeter too much is unacceptable for you. You care.

The people around me at Vassar may know nothing about this but yet I can feel the eyes of them when they think: "how can she eat all of that and stay so thin?" Or, alternatively, sometimes I feel like I have to eat  a lot just because I feel that people will think I have an eating disorder otherwise. This all because I'm skinny.

Submitted by anonymous.